>> The marriage red light: how to prevent extramarital affairs?

An the ‧ Bo Qite book; Mao Yaqin translation

My husband Brian and I have been married for 18 years, he thought he was in love with me. One day he was found alone in a hotel. Extramarital affairs that he never dreamed of will embark on a road. On both moral and intellectual, he is firmly opposed to. I'm desperate, this thing happen? !

Since then, we learn from their mistakes to rebuild our marriage. We stop to share our story: because the things that happen to us, it is not necessary to repeat itself in your body. You can be the best gift in our new book, "Life: My husband's having an affair" (My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me) in the sorrow and pain of life trough from how they come out, and learn lessons.

The biggest lessons of my life learned is - too easy, the extramarital affair explosive. Even if you think you are a good man, marriage is perfect happiness. This totally destroy our view, wishful thinking extramarital affairs happen only unhappy people with so many problems because their marriage!

According to the marriage the experts Fanpei Ji (Peggy Vaughan) mentioned in her book "monogamous mysteries" (The Monogamy Myth), a conservative estimate of 60 per cent of the husband, and wife of forty percent will have extramarital affairs. Even if half of extramarital affairs wife, their husband is not the extramarital affairs of men (about 20 percent), so still with a normal marriage, about 80 percent of the other half will be the possibility of derailment.

We often ask ourselves: "Why extramarital affairs will happen to us?" "We can take those precautions?" Is not someone prior warning? "

I was too confident for me, no problem in our marriage. Ago if someone told me: "To listen to your husband," I was thinking: "I'm doing it!" If anyone told me: "You have a common leisure activity" I will think: "We have you "If someone says:" whom you want to enjoy the pleasures of life "I would think:" most of the time, we have to do, but we now have other responsibilities in the body, life is always going to do sacrifice Ah! "

The past, I am confident that Brian and my level of commitment is the same. I do not believe there are any books on how to ... "will wake my attention on the hidden crisis in our marriage. However, the following points I make a few points of advice to someone who's identity.
1.Introspective

Ask ourselves - can you honest with yourself, and answer the following questions: "Why do I have this feeling?", "Why am I not happy?" "Why should I be others attract?", "Why I am notspouse told me my true feelings? "

The first step is to avoid extramarital affairs, understand themselves and honest with yourself. If you can not face their own, how can they face their own spouses?

Most extramarital affairs are not expected that such a thing could even happen. One hundred percent of them believe that they will abide by the marriage covenant, and faithful to their spouses. Extramarital affairs how might happen to them?

Nabulaien example: extramarital affairs he was totally oblivious to the. He does not realize that he is very unhappy. He was just not to think about it, constantly depressed, and helpless to get by.

We rebuild the marriage process, one day Brian asked me: "Do you remember I told 過 to you, I would have an affair because I've been a good husband; You do not have an affair because you are not competent wife?"

Of course I remember the vivid memories.

"In fact, I was wrong!" Brian said: "I of course easy to be a good husband, because you know yourself, and also clearly told me that you need and I did not give you the opportunity to be a good wife, because I simply can not andyou talk about my needs. "

So, even though I also have read the book "Wheeler ‧ Harry to his needs, her needs" (Willard Harley's His Needs, Her Needs), I still can not apply the principles in the book in our marriage, because the clothRyan does not know what he needs; let alone how he told me, so I can meet his needs. Although the need to mention emotions between husband and wife in the book, but everyone needs vary from person to person. Read more Books marriage, the two sides if it has not sat down to talk about it and put the plan into action, all efforts are in vain. '

2.Dealing with the past shadows
If someone asked me (or I ask myself) "What a burden in your past in your marriage, have a negative impact?" Or if I have received counseling, I think that this painful problem to make me breakfastawake. Because my husband would have an affair is not out of our marriage itself, but from my personal problems.

The factors that caused my husband was having an affair is the reason I can not think - my sense of insecurity? ! My brain seems to have an old cassette tapes to brainwash me say that I am unlovable. Therefore, I find it difficult to accept the people's love, or honest communication (even if well-intentioned advice does not work). Simply said I did not feel safely pole.

3.Understanding how to extramarital affairs?
Most people have the wrong perception of an affair. Because they do not like to touch on this sensitive issue, they simply avoid talking about! But the irony is that the more you do not know the things I really like, and often the greater the damage! You have to be prepared to increase knowledge in this regard (not through the media rendering untrue reports), you can also be a lesson learned in other people's prevention measures.

4.Talking outside the attractiveness and spouse
If you want to to operate long loving marriage, ask others completely attracted unrealistic. The fatal attraction imminent. The problem is that when the head-on collision suddenly come upon, you will react?

Affair is not fair and square. If we can not share with spouses we are tempted by the lure or the other half crying, frustrated, or angry would like to put an end to an affair, all to no avail. Affair in secret, just as plants need sunlight and water. Specific factors of growth, if there is a will naturally disappeared.

The other hand, if the husband is honest and inform his partner to attract another female colleague at work; this time his wife can not get angry hand, calmly and Mr. explore reasons, and also to make some adjustments. This couple not only our ability to talk about anything, there is no secret affair may occur more common to defuse the crisis.

5.Calm, honest communication
Most couples are not frank. No critical injuries, we can not fee soot blowing force to face. When it comes to the important things, the kind of predicament, fatigue, or injury and brought it into the marriage relationship.

For example： If you have a wife more than premarital twenty-five percent increase in body weight after marriage, her health has gone wrong, the whole person listless appearance unattractive. Her husband can not stand, but deep breath and not say anything. Over time, the affair the haze entered their marriage, only to the showdown when her husband will tell the truth.

If the husband as things began to say: "My dear, you slowly get fat. This is not only bad for your health, but also affect me." How much his wife calmly answered: "You know what? Youron I want to start exercising, and also pay attention to diet. thank you for telling me. "

The truth is often not the case, then the wife must immediately moved to Tixia, and depression several days. The one hand, to sue their husbands do not love yourself, on the one hand, and too much focus on the appearance of the gas husband. But I do not know this will only let her husband grit your teeth, what are my feelings inside, even to the point of attracting others do not say a word.

Live in such a relationship, seems to live in the unreal world of fairy tales. One day you have to wake up from a dream. Only sincere, open communication, including the ability to express and accept constructive criticism in order to have a good healthy relationship between husband and wife.

6.Listen
Yes, I did not bother to pay attention to listen to what Bryan said. I did not realize that the defense, he said out of feeling when I was busy, I also send a message to him: he was wrong!

I still try to be a good listener. Listen not to say that Brian speak, I just quietly, and said nothing. Listen rapt in each other and in no hurry to express their bright ideas. I try to appreciate the feelings of Brian, although not entirely agree with, but still trying to understand his thoughts.

I asked myself: "What he really wanted to express the meaning of is?" What happened in the end? "If I disarray clue, I asked him:" So, what you want to say in the end ...? "There are too manythe times are such that I did not even understand what he want to say.

More importantly, I am very careful not interrupted, even if I do not agree with or immediately said he was wrong. Instead, I will say: "I respect what you think, I think I probably know why you feel this way I feel now ..."

7.Respect and love
As my husband, Brian must know that I value and respect his ideas and suggestions.

Before the affair, I have every encountered difficulties will help to Brian but unless there is another friend told him to hold the same view, otherwise I would never listen to him. This brings a risk information, and that is what others think more important than his. It simply did not respect him.

8.Common interest
Brian month before the affair, we once went to the gym. Brian hope he and I together weightlifting, but gym distance running, I was particularly fond of the long-distance running, depicting likes.

I do not know I'm in the end they went? I did more alert to this fact, with the downsizing that did not. That is my husband expressed a need exercise partner.

According to Wheeler ‧ Harry book "his needs, her needs" (Willard Harley's His Needs, Her Needs), Movement partners in a marriage happy top five elements.

I committed another error in sports. I not only did not with his movement, but criticized him for spending too much time on sports programs. Sometimes I would sit down and watch a sports program, and he because he liked my companionship. Do you want it? I Ice Hockey generated great interest in it!

9.Enjoy life
The joys of life is not a choice but it is a necessary condition. In the past we just fall into the trap of non-stop work. Life is no fun, only work, work, work.

The midlife crisis is most likely to lead to an affair occurred. On a gradually aging parents in need of care; under like off Xinjiang Mustang like teenagers lose control. Economic pressure overburdened. Shoulders stiffened under pressure.

So life like lambs to the slaughter, helpless. No matter how strong you are, you can not so live. In this case, we have learned to adjust our budget to add to the mix, but also the joys of life. We are not hard and fast to do the same thing.

10.Friends and trusted people

Daryl friendship Brian is very important. If they became good friends before Brian an affair, so it is possible to avoid an affair. To enhance the marriage relationship between husband and wife, a friend of the same sex is very important.

Women are more likely to open their. The men who spend a great deal of work to be done. Friendship is a need to develop, it will not happen by itself. We must continue to be managed.

The Bryan know a lot of people have a lot of friends. We all feel that his good karma. But his friends always keep some distance, not close friends. He talk about their own things. His friends treat him the same way. People just do some window-dressing, unaware of the other real-life struggling why? The meet when are talking about irrelevant topics like work, exercise, or the car ... and so on.

The husband and wife must understand that marriage is not only in the wedding vows, but through a commitment to a deeper understanding of each other and treat each other sincerely. If you think an affair will never happen, it will only bring harm to marriage. We must know that a couple innate immune. Therefore, we must be vigilant, to help guide and support each other. We must recognize that those obstacles and be of marriage, can actually be loyal to each other.

What is not going to work?

- Re-declared the marriage covenant, can not prevent the affair occurred.

- Love, can not prevent an affair.

-"Flawless", can not prevent the affair occurred.

-Threat, can not prevent the affair occurred.

- Simple commitment can not prevent an affair.

- Was caught red-handed, can not prevent the affair occurred.

What is worth a try?

- To know no affair immune.

- Discussed and agreed to be loyal to each other.

- Regularly update your commitment.

- Continuous and sincere communication of all material things.

11.Extramarital affairs: not to repeat
As long as any one person had had an affair (discovery or disclosure), several signs as a warning next time it will happen again:

If a person had an affair happening again totally ignored (irresponsible, and third party lingering not answer any questions asked, Breach, and not to mention the infidelities, honest communication, do not want to restore the marriage relationship - these all point to an affairpossibilities.)

If you've ever had an affair party that willing responsible, not between, and the third party, willing to answer all the questions of the spouse, to sit down and talk about it, keep the communication open and willing to re-save the marriage - an affair lesswill not happen again.

In any case, there is no certain equation tells us that the affair will never happen again (such as who also can not guarantee the beginning will not be having an affair.) But above recommendations are some strong indicators tell us that an affair what will not do it againappear.